I was barely 25 years old, without a job, no home, no relationship, and no money to buy food. On top of everything I had experienced because of the economic crisis I had lost my dream, my heart, my life; there was shame a deep shame because I had really failed. My dream had been shattered, including myself - as if someone had cut me to the ground and dug a deep hole.
The first years after my bankruptcy I was forced to sleep in my old teenage room, in my old bed,…. Living with my father's hard-earned money. I reluctantly accepted this living situation and money - because I had no other choice. My debt was coughed up by my father and never paid off by me, just because I couldn't.
The shame, fear, sadness, gave way to a very deep depression in the first days; that was no longer reversible. I was so ashamed that I even thought of all the possibilities not to have to tell the truth.
I told myself and everyone who asked for a story that was completely out of context. I just stopped my shop !. Nothing more and nothing less. I came up with several possible methods to avoid and get away from people I recognized in the distance.
You see it before you walk through the supermarket with a very small amount of money to buy food and at the end of the aisle is an old colleague. I turned my shopping cart over with speed and walked with my head bowed to the next aisle !. With clammy hands and a red head in the aisle, wait for your old colleague to walk by. Then quickly to the cash register and pay with a bowed head so that I can not be recognized.
Depression but still looking for a job; is not a good option. I had no choice, I had to. I literally hoped from a mismatched job to a mismatched job. It were 2 fantastic working weeks; your contract is not renewed and so on were always the result. I just couldn't work for a boss, I had so much trouble with it, let alone go to work with a smile. I almost literally dragged myself out of bed, put on a toothpaste smile that was completely not authentic. In addition, like many other people, I received rejection after rejection when I applied. It was not me, it was of course the economic crisis; which did not improve my health.
I crawled back into some kind of dream bubble, a safe way to avoid facing the truth. I closed myself off to the outside world and I became increasingly lonely. In the end I found a very small apartment in a very small village - you can't even call it an apartment - it is more of a studio.
One bedroom, living room and kitchen in one- 34m2, but the rent was sufficient for the assistance, so I moved. I got the old furniture and lamps from my father and bought a little click laminate floor from that little bit of money I had. The rest I needed was 2nd hand and / or received here and there.
There I was unemployed, depression, no money, lonely and alone. I hardly had any friends anymore; because I had completely closed myself off to contact. Friends don't come anymore because you push them away; closing the curtains, locking the doors, not answering the phone.
The dishes are no longer done, you just pile up plates, you can easily put on clothes for 4 days, vacuuming is not necessary every week, right? .. I can not go to the hairdresser because I had no money for that !.
All in all it didn't get any better for me!… No one saw it, no one came to save me, no one ever thought of confronting me. My dream bubble grew and my dreams and visions became bigger and more intense, many signals passed which I completely ignored.
The shame went deeper than just a bankruptcy, I was also ashamed of my apartment (studio), my car, my life, not being in a relationship and because of that it has had a big influence in my recovery to self-confidence and seeing a new future. The bottom of the well had not yet been reached until I cried to admit to myself that it really was not going well, that I not only had money problems, work problems but was also mentally troubled. By now 33 years without a chance, lonely, without confidence and poor, my reality had become.
During a meditation I asked myself the following questions.
What did I have to learn? ....
What did I do wrong?....
I learned that I had to listen carefully and I really want to share it with you !.
I had to start with myself, my source, my base; I knew for a long time that I was the key to change, but why do I only apply it in my blogs, website and book, coaching but not in myself… ..
Forgiveness, that was the next step in the right direction!
Let go and have confidence!
Open your dream bubble and learn to understand and live!
View yourself and everything from love!
A completely new dream that flows above expectations and brings me a lot of fun and happiness.
I also learned that if I ask the universe every morning what I am allowed to do today? ..... And I do not set any expectations against unexpected things coming your way !. Truly believe me, ... but the most important thing is to let go and have confidence.
Another very important lesson I learned is asking for help is so much more powerful than wanting to do everything on your own. My burdens are on me to bear is the biggest nonsense there is !. Being pure and sincere brings wonders and opportunities. It is not only your knowledge and your wisdom that inspires others, but also your purity, sincerity, your life story and your power!
Now in my dream coaching methods I use a lot of experience from my depression and fear of failure past and help a lot of people.
But that was not my most important lesson !. The most important lesson came from my dreams and visions, signals. Hidden behind my nocturnal emotions, I learned that the deepest answers can be found deep in my subconscious.
I now understand why it turned out this way, why I got into this situation and especially why it took me so long to get out. “My biggest lesson was failure, inferiority complex and letting go and having confidence”. I am now proud of what I have achieved, what I have done and what has happened in the past and that is why I would very much like to share this story with everyone !.
My whole life changed when I mastered that; I am now 36 years old, moved to a new home and have built a great website, blog and coaching practice! What I am proud of.
Have you (ever) suffered from failure, depression, inferiority, underestimating yourself and so on? ..
You are not alone, and know that you can share your story, ask for help so that you can take the first steps you need at this moment in life. Sometimes a failure goes much deeper than one moment in your life, perhaps even from your youth or from a previous life and you can investigate this very beautifully while dreaming, visioning, meditating and so on.